Gaslighting in Tech: When Standups Say 'On Track' but Nothing Ships

The Office Illusion: When Progress is Just a Story

Gaslighting in the workplace is not just deception. It is strategic storytelling. The gaslighter’s job is not to solve problems. It is to control the perception of progress. Experiencing this firsthand, I can say it is one of the most frustrating and damaging dynamics in professional environments.

Gaslighting is the manipulation of someone into questioning their own perception of reality. The term comes from the 1944 psychological thriller Gaslight, where a woman is slowly convinced that she is not in an abusive relationship, even as clear evidence suggests otherwise.

I had heard the term used frequently in the media, but I never expected to encounter it in a professional setting. Yet, as a developer and leader, I have seen it happen. At first, it seems simple—this person is lying, we do not have X. But in a corporate environment, perception often matters more than truth. The higher up you go, the more power shifts from those who create real value to those who shape the narrative. If you are facing this, I hope this article helps you recognize the signs and navigate through it, though I truly hope you never have to.

Spotting the Mirage: How to Recognize a Workplace Gaslighter

It can take time to identify a professional gaslighter. At first, they may seem professional and motivated. After all, they made it through the interview process and were deemed to have the skills and cultural fit to join your company.

Early in a project, when everything is still theoretical, it is easy to say things that cannot be verified. But as the project progresses, patterns emerge. Despite frequent meetings, documents, and spreadsheets, nothing is actually moving forward. These documents are continuously revised and updated, but they lead nowhere. The person avoids clear commitments, using vague language to sidestep accountability. They tell different versions of events depending on the audience. They attempt to rewrite past conversations when you question them, saying things like, "That never happened," "I did not say that," or "We are not doing that."

A professional gaslighter presents a false narrative of progress. They insist everything is on track while key deliverables remain unfinished or stagnant. They overpromise and underdeliver. They give confident updates in meetings, reassuring leadership and the team that things are moving forward. They produce detailed documents, complex spreadsheets, and new initiatives to give the illusion of activity. But when you take a closer look, there is no actual progress.

Gaslighters may also call excessive meetings about features that are far down the roadmap and have no immediate impact. These discussions often serve two purposes. First, they allow them to appear proactive while avoiding work on more pressing deliverables. Second, they align with what they are reporting to leadership or other stakeholders, creating an illusion of forward momentum. By keeping the conversation focused on future work, they distract from the fact that the present work is going nowhere.

Milestones slip, but the explanation is always external "I am waiting on another team," "I need more resources," or "I am dealing with shifting priorities." They will also be hesitant to ship products or host live demos with external teams, fearing that real-time scrutiny will expose their lack of actual progress. They may push for internal-only reviews, delay public releases, or insist on more internal iterations without ever committing to a launch. These tactics allow them to maintain the illusion of progress while avoiding accountability. They will rarely admit fault or acknowledge delays. They may try to subtly discredit others, saying they did not understand or did not listen. Instead, they manufacture a version of reality where progress is being made despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

The Dev vs. the Master Illusionist: A Gaslighting Showdown

To illustrate how gaslighting works in the workplace, let’s look at a common fictional scenario between a developer and a manipulative manager.

Sprint Review Meeting

Alex (Software Engineer): "Hey Gus, I wanted to check in on the API integration for the reporting feature. We discussed last sprint that the requirements needed to be finalized before we could start development, but I still have not received the details."

Gus Lighter (Manager, Gaslighter): "Oh, I do not remember saying that. We have been aligned on this for weeks. The whole team has been working on it, so I am not sure why you think we are waiting on anything."

Alex: "Last meeting, you said the business logic for the reports was still being defined. I asked for clarity on what data sources we need to support before building out the API."

Gus Lighter: (laughs) "Alex, you worry too much about the details. Everyone else is moving forward, and honestly, I feel like we are getting stuck on things that are already figured out. Can’t you just get started?"

Alex: "I cannot build an API without knowing the required data structure and endpoints. If we make assumptions and get it wrong, we will waste even more time refactoring."

Gus Lighter: "This is exactly the kind of negative thinking that slows us down. We are an agile team, Alex. We iterate. I need you to be more flexible."

Alex: "I am flexible, but without specs, we risk delivering the wrong thing. I just want to avoid unnecessary rework."

Gus Lighter: (sighs) "Look, leadership is expecting a demo in two weeks. If we delay this, it is going to look really bad. I told them we are making great progress. Are you saying you are not on board with that?"

Staying Sane in a Twisted Reality: Using RAIN to Keep Your Cool

The RAIN method was originally developed as a mindfulness technique to help smokers quit by rationalizing the urge. In the workplace, it can be just as effective in helping you stay grounded when dealing with gaslighting. Instead of reacting emotionally, use the RAIN method to regain control in the moment.

• Recognize what is happening – Alex notices that Gus is twisting reality to make him seem unreasonable.
• Allow the feelings to surface – Instead of immediately reacting or suppressing frustration, Alex takes a deep breath and acknowledges his frustration.
• Investigate the feeling – Alex reflects on why this is so frustrating. It is not about Gus personally, but about wanting clear requirements to do his job well.
• Nurture himself through it – Alex mentally steps back and reminds himself that this is not a personal attack, but a pattern of manipulation. He calmly responds with a fact-based statement: "Can you confirm in writing that we should proceed without finalized requirements?"

By using RAIN, Alex is able to keep his composure, reframe the conversation, and avoid getting pulled into an emotional argument that Gus would have used against him.

Do Not Get Stuck in Their Game: Keep Moving and Take Control

The worst thing you can do when dealing with a gaslighter is wait on them. If you do, the project may never move forward. Instead, take ownership of momentum. Start moving on the project in a way that ensures their involvement but does not leave room for them to frame you as the blocker. Gaslighters thrive in ambiguity, using delays and shifting narratives to make it seem as if others are responsible for stagnation. If you allow them to dictate the pace, they will keep pushing things further down the line without ever delivering.

To counteract this, make incremental progress on things that do not require their direct input. Document dependencies clearly so that if they do not provide necessary details, it is obvious where the real holdup is. Keep discussions tied to immediate priorities, ensuring work remains grounded in reality rather than their illusion of future progress.

Reality vs. Illusion: The Simple Truth About Work

At the end of the day, the reality is simple… The company exists to make money. That means delivering products and features that customers want, not just maintaining the illusion of productivity. Gaslighters thrive by creating a twisted version of reality where meetings and shifting narratives replace actual progress. Their success depends on keeping leadership and teams distracted by perception rather than tangible results.

One way they solidify their control is by pushing to hire people from their own network. They want allies who will reinforce their version of events rather than challenge them. This reduces pushback and ensures they have supporters in meetings who will back up their narrative, even when the work is not progressing. The problem with this is that hiring decisions become less about talent and more about loyalty. Instead of bringing in the best people for the job, they prioritize those who will not question their leadership. Over time, this erodes team quality, slows innovation, and results in subpar products that fail to meet customer expectations.

Why do they do it? Some gaslighters are simply incompetent and covering their tracks. Others are trying to climb the corporate ladder by controlling the story rather than doing the work. Some are risk-averse and fear making decisions that might hold them accountable later. Others have convinced themselves that the perception of progress is just as good as real progress. Whether it is ego, fear, or career self-preservation, the result is the same—the real work suffers while they maintain their illusion of control. My advice is try not to think about the why as it will keep you up at night. 

You cannot outthink a gaslighter into seeing the truth. They already know it and are actively choosing to manipulate reality. Your best tools are facts, documentation, and controlled communication. If leadership does not value integrity and real progress, find somewhere that does. Put the sanity of yourself and your family first.